5 Ideal communication tips to build an awesome relationship!

5 Ideal communication tips to build an awesome relationship!

Are you being heard?

Do you ever feel like what you’re saying is misunderstood? Do you feel like you’re shouting from the mountaintops but no one is responding?

I used to have dreams about this. Where I would be screaming and nothing audible would come out of my mouth. I think it has something to do with being one of 5 kids and feeling like just a number. I think that is where I truly discovered my voice. Not just the audible voice that speaks…but what my heart is actually SAYING to the world.

Communication is the glue that holds all relationships together. I’ve said this over and over again. How to have effective communication is very important, for your personal and professional relationships. Especially for your true love!

Why do I feel that effective communication is so important? One small glitch in communication could actually sink a ship…or land a bomb at a misguided target. Miscommunication can end marriages, end lives if slipped up in an operating room. Pretty important…. Huh?

So here is a start to be CONSCIOUS of how we choose to use our beautiful words. I’ve come up with my top 5 ways to increase your relationship building skills.

Face-to-Face is #1 BEST option:
Body language is a huge communication tool and face to face or web cam can make this type of communication the MOST effective. Have you ever had to give someone bad news? The devastating kind… a loss of a loved one, a break up, or financial hardship? Sometimes we feel the best way to avoid the confrontation is to send a quick email, voicemail or even worse, a TEXT! Yikes! Do you realize that it’s not what you say but HOW we say it? You don’t know which word the recipient will emphasize. Bad news can be shared with a loving touch to someone’s hand; an arm around their shoulder, a sympathetic look on your face would change the entire outcome. Some news we leave could impact them for life…scar them emotionally. If they see how much you actually care then the outcome will need less healing. I know it’s tough to let someone down, or share a definite no to plans but do what you can to pick up the phone if you can’t have a face-to-face conversation. After all, you may not realize how invested the other person is with this “news”.

Shit sandwich: positive – negative – positive:
Yes… I said it… SHIT! Ok…moving right along. When giving the bad news from tip number one. Do it through these methods. Here is an example; perhaps you have to let an employee go for a number of reasons. The best method to communicate this is with a shit sandwich. Start with the positive being the bread, the shit being the negative news and ending with another positive as the bread. “Sandy, thank you for all that you’ve done with us this past year at XYZ Company. Your initiative and attitude has been exceptional. Unfortunately we will have to let you go because we don’t feel that you’re the right fit for this job description and your productivity is lower than anyone else on your team. I do feel that you will move forward with your winning smile and attitude that will land you a job that is a better fit for you and your skill set.” Ta-da..a shit sandwich. All managers should know this technique. Works great for partners, parents and other relationships as well. The bad news isn’t so hard to swallow…so to speak.

Come from a place of understanding and love:
Sometimes we get into an argument or feel frustration because we are trying to be heard or understood. I know you’ve seen this all too well. Two adults screaming at each other and no one is listening. Be the first person to shut their mouth, listen tentatively and try to come from a place of love and understanding. Compassion and empathy is highly needed here even if you’re fuming. My parents did this often and as a child I witnessed two adults that were missing each other’s information right and left. Sometimes “Karie the peacemaker” would jump in and explain…hey mom…dad didn’t say that, he said this…and vice versus. Ever have that happen and feel really stupid that you jumped to conclusions and started yelling? Not a cool moment… and definitely not from a place of understanding and love. This takes true self control but I believe you have it in you, especially when the person that you argue with most, means the whole world to you.

Gather your thoughts before speaking- get calm before reacting/responding:

This works well if you received a text, email or voicemail. You have the breathing room to CHOOSE not to react right away. I’ve received news that has hurt me…triggered a past emotion or I read it wrong entirely due to being busy and multi tasking. When you’re triggered emotionally your first reaction is to lash out. Jump to conclusions and that past hurt will jump forward to protect you. I encourage you to be conscious of what triggers you. When that fear or need to protect yourself jumps up in your face ready to attack. Do yourself a favor, walk away from the phone or any other means of communication. Get quiet… listen to your thoughts. Count to 10 or 100, whatever it takes. Watch your breathing and ask yourself where this is coming from? Why are you feeling defensive? Be calm and rational with your response. Ask another question, maybe that will help you get clear. This day and age we are using electronics to communicate and that is where most of our challenges lie. If this is a face-to-face interaction that pushes your buttons. Ask the other party, if you can step away for a minute or come back to the situation to have a more rational conversation. My ex-husband used to take off during an argument, on his motorcycle! So as his wife, this left me feeling abandoned and fearful that he may drive irrationally in his anger. I now know that he wanted to clear his head before discussing anything further. I can respect that. What he didn’t do is tell me why he was leaving; he just left without an explanation. Not a good idea my friends. He also returned closed off and we never did have a chance to talk things through, which builds up resentment over time. I have learned so much from my past mistakes, which is why I am sharing these steps with you in hopes that you repair and protect what you already have.

Be authentic- be yourself- speak your mind and mirror back what the other person is saying:

This works! How many times has your perspective been off and we thought we heard one thing, when in fact it was the opposite? I learned this too while watching my parents argue or debate …whatever description you wish to give it. So many times we let our Ego do the talking which isn’t very attractive. We come across with the “I know it all” attitude and it’s a huge turn off. When you come from a more vulnerable place with your communication the other person cannot help but also soften and show vulnerability. I use this in my relationship building courses. When you first meet someone the first step to being relatable is to share a personal story from your heart. It opens the door to a safe environment for them, encouraging them to also step forward and share. I speak to hundreds of strangers a month and my first step to bridging from stranger to friend is to share something authentic about who I am and what challenges I’ve had in my life. This creates an instant bond as people can relate to imperfect. If you let your ego do the talking you come across as the perfectionist and no one can relate to perfection. So let go of your ego, be your authentic true self and create a relationship that will last a lifetime!

I would love to hear if you have any great communication stories or tips that you would like to share. Feel free to leave a comment below.

Happy chatting and communication!

Karie Millspaugh
Wellness Coach